Super Website 57

“The year in which a book is published is to some extent arbitrary – depending on such factors as the author’s birth date, their diligence towards deadlines, and publishing schedules”

Mark Lawson received money to write these words. Fuck you, Mark Lawson.

Hello, my name is Daisy Jessica. I am 31 years old (born 19/3/78) and live in Fiji. I am writing to tell you as I have no other option as you will understand, that particular artists that are featuring on your weekly top forty countdown, are song writing from my brain. They have used psychics to get into my brain to write and create albums. Some have pulled out whole lyrics, tunes, guitar strings and albums and so far as I am aware, they have neither contacted nor talked to me over this. This whole affair is having a very negative influence in my personal life and holding my life back. I cannot take any action on them because I have no money, have never traveled abroad or have people that I know of in the USA or Britain. While they win awards I am penniless so I cannot sue as I do not have any money.

This has been happening since my early university (in my early twenties) days while taking undergraduate studies. I have a Bachelor of Arts Degree but not a job; live on pension on less than a thousand dollars a year.

I also understand that you know the artists that I have made a list of on a personal level, so please ask them if they know me. In addition please, I request you to e- mail me the e-mail addresses of the authorities of real names and people who can deal with the matter or submit this letter to them for investigation.

This type of song writing is illegal and unprofessional and I want to put a stop to it, as it is very unpleasant to have people reading your head twenty four hours a day for the song writing benefit of others. They have never credited or acknowledged me. I cannot wait the rest of my life in this kind of situation and I want the psyching to stop. Please help me.

Please ask them if they know me. Here is a list of those particular artists:

1. justin timberlake (future sex and love sounds)

2. nelly furta

3. timbaland

4. rihanna

5. Bionce Noels

6. siara (love sex and magic)

7. jonahs brothers (burning up)

8. pink

9. chris daughtry

10. hinder

11. 3 doors down

12. nickel back

13. linkin park

14. david .j. mathews (the fly)

15. one republic

16. enrique iglacias

17. kanye west

18. natasha bedingfield

19. jason mraz

20. metro station

21. cold play (viva la vida)

22. lil wayne and kevin Rudolph

23. pussy cat dolls

24. second hand serenade

25. plain white t’s

26. maroon 5

27. backstreet boys (inconsolable)

28. david archuleta

29. akon

30. miley cyrus

31. taylor swift

32. lady gagga

33. Puff Diddi

34. Kelly Clarkson (my life would suck)

35. Brittany Spears

36. Joy Drop (Beautiful like you ft Ginger Snappers)

37. Kylie Manouge

Google News links to 21 articles about the fact that Jonathan Ross must now pre-record his Radio 2 show, because he made a joke suggesting that if you found out your child was gay you’d want to put them up for adoption. Which is interesting, considering that that never happened.

All the stories are quoting him as saying,

“If your son asks for a Hannah Montana MP3 player, you might want to already think about putting him down for adoption before he brings his … erm … partner home.”

What Ross actually said was,

“If your son asks for a Hannah Montana MP3 player, then you might want to already think about putting them down for adoption in later life when they settle down with their partner.”

Now, suggesting that wanting a Hannah Montana MP3 player makes you gay is, at absolute best, very lazy stereotyping & I’m not suggesting Ross is a saint in all this. But for fuck’s sake, did not one journalist sit down and listen to the show? To spell it out for any journalists reading: he’s saying you should put your son down to adopt a child when he is grown-up since he will not be able to produce babies with his male partner*.

Is it more ambigious than it sounds to me? Have a listen on the Youtubes and decide for yourself.

Props to this guy for pointing this out.

* Obviously he is wrong, it will soon be the future and babies will be grown inside radioactive space androids so anything will be possible!

If I was a pig, I would be this pig.

I am going to take a sideways look at swine flu because it is highly topical, so buckle up, this is going to be a crazy ride.

That swine flu is bad, isn’t it! I mean, most people are nasty enough already without… Yes. Well.

I actually want to get swine flu, I’m pretty sure I could take it & I’d probably get a medal of bravery which I could then sell on eBay for cash money, thus beating the recession.

I don’t know why that Mexican footballer had to apologise for coughing on another footballer, swine flu is now a part of Mexican culture so that seems pretty racist to me. And I laughed when I read the story so it turns out it is quite a funny thing to do anyway!

Something about pigs flying if you have avian & swine flu at the same time.

I think I’ll put some of this into a sketch and submit it to Week Ending. That’s still on, right?

Oh man, do I hate swearing! I know what I’ll do, I’ll watch notoriously tame-mouthed TV chef Gordon Ramsay.

Then I’ll squash my dick in a vice and sue Black & Decker!

They should send someone round to smash the windows of anyone who complains about swearing on television to give them a sense of perspective. (This may seem harsh, but they can have them repaired for free if they apologise and promise never to do it again. I am nothing if not fair.)

On the other hand, perhaps the Channel 4 complaints department just misunderstood what all the people complaining about watching a f*cking c*nt actually meant.

…if every time I read an article about the UK sliding into/entering recession, I want to pull a Frankie Howerd face?

I suppose it’s one way to beat the credit crunch blues!

Further notes for diagnosis: That stupid Om Nom Nom meme has actually started to make me slightly nauseous whenever I encounter it, in a literal sense. Thanks internet!

I haven’t blogged for days! This is mainly because of the amazing revelation I had that will change everything. Sadly I can only communicate this revelation by song and writing the song is quite hard because I do not know how to write songs! I don’t think this matters as I am such a naturally gifted artist that if I try hard enough the creative magic will happen despite my lack of training and practice!

I have done another comic, this one is about sex and also issues! One day it will probably be in a museum like Apollo 11 is! Don’t touch either of them or you will be thrown out of the museum.

When I am rich and famous and get to hang out with the Royal Family, I am going to insist that they call me That Awesome White Dude.

Spending all weekend lounging around watching television makes for bad blogging. I was going to review ITV’s “Demons” but it turned out to be too boring. It was good how Gene Hunt started the series metaphorically and literally phoning it in at the same time!

I am trying to watch the HBO series “John Adams” about America’s 2nd President and his role in the birth of the nation, but it is quite confusing as they haven’t invented American accents yet, making it hard to tell which side anyone is on. Despite this it is quite good and also educational so you can get away with watching it even if your mum says it is time to do your homework! Skill!

So instead of doing proper blogging today, I have decided to become a world-famous cartoonist like Nemi or that one with the miscarriage:

On flicking through a free magazine about the locality in a south-east London pub this evening, I was amused to find a law firm advertising itself as “conveniently located opposite The White Hart”. I hope they’re open late so you can get legal advice after breaking someone’s head open on the bog door.

I should imagine it will be the first and only time I will read an article about how wonderful it is that someone has finally written a novel set in Penge.